31 July 2006

Why did the blogger cross the road?

Last week I posted about our odd experience at the halal butchery. Inspired, I just had to go back and have a wee dabble. I've taken a photo of the item in question, which will also be featuring as the main ingredient for our dinner tonight.

You tell me, does this (frozen) honestly look like any chicken (thawed) you've seen before?

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

30 July 2006

Out and about: Sunday web driving.

I'm a little pressed for time so here's a small link dump of a few things that have piqued my interest over the weekend.

The Live Beluga webcam in Vancouver, Canada isn't interactive but those cute little guys antics are still very engaging.

Those of you feeling trapped and locked into your cellphone contracts finally have Cellswapper.
A very easy to use site for those of you looking to opt out of your cellphone contract or those looking to get a new plan with no activation fee, a free phone or short term contract.
Speaking of, have you seen the ridiculous limited edition 'Black Diamond' cellphone designed by Singaporean designer Jaren Goh? Get your order in now because it's due for an early spring release in the '07 and it's only $300,000.

Flickrites and all round shutterbugs should take note of the crew at Photojojo who claim to find only the most kick-ass photo tips, DIY projects. And indeed they have. Turn your photo into a mural at home in 5 minutes, print your friends' faces onto cupcakes, or get a bottlecap that turns any soda bottle into a tripod...

Eye gazing parties vs. Speed dating? Eye gazing everytime.

Finally. Be irrepressible.
If you believe in freedom of expression, and in the power of the internet, then I invite you to join in the Imnesty International campaign by adding a small amount of code to your blog template.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

29 July 2006

So very You.

A lot of this week has been spent skurfing loads of great crazy japanese programmes via YouTube. Deep Props has to go out to these guys for the service they provide. Being free, God knows how they're managing to keep it all rolling while making any money out of it. Bandwidth costs alone are apparently running in excess of $1 million US dollars/per month and climbing.

So cheers guys and while it's all still good, above is a short clip (25 seconds) of what a very spooked and freaked out owl looks like.

Also currently ranking high amongst my favourite japanese shows is "Silent Library"(09:45) hosted by kickboxer and four-time world K-1 champion Ernesto Frits Hoost, it's fairly Katamari Damacy for WTF craziness levels.

What do you think? Did Pink Floyd infact synchronize 'Dark side of the moon' to 'The Wizard of Oz'? Judge for yourself - long video though (43 mins).

By Erueti Brown with No comments

28 July 2006

How to make a hipster record bowl.

I love collecting vinyl and like any good collection I have quite a few crappy ones/double ups and down right stupid purchases
( ie Duran Duran-Hungry like the wolf.)
So seeing as theres a weekend coming up and if you're feeling crafty, here's a quick little project that is kinda kitsch, but if you have a coloured 12' instead of the black 45' I've shown in the example you'll be thinking is also kinda dope.
Obviously your going to need to find yourself a record, as wasteful as this sounds I've found new ones yield the best results.
  1. Heat oven to 100C/212F.
  2. Place record over a suitable oven safe bowl and place into the oven on the lowest shelf for 30 seconds.
  3. Gentlely press down in the center of the record, the record should bend easily and you should be able to shape it slightly, but be mindful of your hands because that sucka will be hot mama!
  4. Leave the hot record somewhere safe to cool and harden and voila!
Also (but not necessary) I think it adds to the bowls functionality to apply a couple of coats of clear epoxy resin (Or failing that a clear nail polish).
That way it doesn't scratch up when you throw things like keys in them and you can fill in the hole in the middle and maybe use it as a cereal bowl?
Have fun!

By Erueti Brown with No comments

27 July 2006

Oooh yeah..Sweet Design Porn.

How uber-deck must the guys and gal's over at 'atypyk' be?
Call me a trendfollowing materialistic consumer design whore if you'd like, but I am totally infactuated with their tight and often hilarious product line.
I mean, look at these products below and check out their site, then try telling me you don't desperately need something from them now too.

Clumsy Coaster

Piggy Bank Jigsaw

Time is money clock

Fifty duvet cover

One short coming with atypyk is a lot of their stuff is so brilliantly 'why-didn't-I-think-of-that?' simple, that it actually inspires you to steal their idea and attempt to fashion something similar at home.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

26 July 2006

London Calling?

Maybe it's all the sweltering brain-poaching heat they've been experiencing lately, but travellers heading to the UK should be warned there is strangeness afoot in London.

Street Wars

Londoners have begun a city-wide role-playing game where people roam the capital to shoot each other with water pistols against police cautions that contestants might be committing criminal offences.
"StreetWars" has already taken place in New York, Vancouver, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Vienna, and on their website, tournament organisers describe it as: "A three week long, 24/7, watergun assassination tournament."

As part of the game, participants are handed a manila envelope containing the details of their "target", including their name, home and work addresses, along with a picture, and are assigned with the task of "assassinating" them with a watergun. Upon being "killed", the person who has just been eliminated from the game hands details of their target to the successful "assassin".
The last person left standing after three weeks is declared the winner, and is given a cash prize which is usually around 500 dollars (395 euros), according to the tournament website.

Players are encouraged to track down their target in any way they see fit, with suggestions including posing as a delivery person, or putting on a disguise to fire on the target on the street. (Link)

It should also be noted that at this very moment, two other capitals are involved in a more intense variation of this tournament, which simply involves replacing the waterguns guns with missles and where players earn extra points for blindly killing any innocent civilians ...

Hmm? This just has warm gooey trouble dribbling all over it.


Yes that's right a Masturbate-a-thon.
A public Masturbate-a-thon, the first ever to be held in Europe, takes place in Clerkenwell, London on 5 August 2006 The event begins at 2:00 p.m. on August 5, 2006, and continues until 10:00 p.m. There will be three communal areas—mixed, men=only, and women only—but each of these will have screened areas for private masturbators. Masturbators ask friends, colleagues and loved ones to sponsor them to raise money for AIDS charities, in order to take part.
The amount raised is determined by how many minutes participants take to masturbate and / or the number of orgasms they achieve. You can also get sponsored simply for having the “courage” to turn up and participate. (Link) + an interview with organiser Tony Kerridge that should help to mop up any further questions via Vice.)

By Erueti Brown with No comments

25 July 2006

How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?

Of course it has yet to be conclusively proven but I feel that it is reasonably safe to assume the answer to this famous tongue twister is pretty close to f--k all zero.

Contrary to popular belief, Woodchucks (or ground hogs) aren't particularly keen on wood at all, and while they can easily scale a tree to find a meal, they'd prefer a safe quiet existence scurrying about close to terra-firma.

The name Woodchuck comes from the Cree Indian name "wuchak", and these rodents are closely related to squirrels, marmots, and prairie dogs, with which they share an affinity for burrowing.

In actuality, a burrowing woodchuck can chuck dirt, in the form of tunnels that can reach five feet deep and as much as 35 feet in length. So, based on that number, New York State wildlife expert Richard Thomas calculated that if a woodchuck could chuck wood, he could chuck as much as 700 pounds of the stuff!
(Cheers neatorama/mental floss and of course the Kermit Airgun club for the target!)

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

24 July 2006

Eclectic Eccentric Entropy.


The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is defined as the sneaking suspicion that the whole world is secretly conspiring to shower you with blessings.

I realise now that the above picture I took, while filled to the brim with crazy items and worth a good close look, doesn't have much if any obvious relevance to this posting - but that's just because you cant see them all conspiring ...

By Erueti Brown with No comments

23 July 2006

Smack my kids up?

As a minister of the clergy myself, I'm completely behind a persons right to choose their own religon and their freedom to express and exercise their personal beliefs.
How ever surely you know you're going to be rightly labelled as a redneck fundamentalist christian parent if you subscribe to any of the absurd draconian measures recommended by the 'Guide to smacking' from The Family Integrity booklet?

After reading the articles currently making the rounds here in NZ and abroad (I think MiFi linked an article), I am honestly suprised 'blood letting' wasn't also included in the controversial eight-page booklet on how to use physical punishment under the present law.

These guys seriously need to get dialed into some clues.
Reverend Eru says: Being awake requires more effort than just walking around with both your eyes open.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

22 July 2006


Jonas Geirnaert graduation project "FLATLIFE" (2004), selected for Short Films in Competition at the Cannes Film Festival 2004.

Mostly just an excuse to try Google Videos 'send to blog option' I've just noticed sitting in the side bar. That's pretty cool.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

21 July 2006

When is redmeat not redmeat? When it's chicken.

We had a dubious encounter today at the halal butcher shop we frequent that's had me scratching my head. Readers of my earlier post would recall I already think quite a bit about this subject and it's probably nothing but what would you think?

Sue reached into the freezer and pulled out what she thought was lamb mince mislabelled as chicken mince because, (a picture here would have been really great I know) it was red and looked just like lamb mince or failing that possibly beef or ugh um..goat?

When she asked whether it was lamb or beef the counter person was confident and assured us its contents contained 100 % chicken thigh mince. Now, I'm no food technician or Muslim for that matter, but isn't chicken white meat? Of course under cooked chicken will always be pink and bleed red but this was frozen and I thought the halal ritual (similar to kosher) included bleeding the animal doesn't it?

Certainly dodgy and one that should be filed under 'things that make you go hmm?' wouldn't you say?

By Erueti Brown with No comments

20 July 2006

Awesome Caption Swag Giveaway.

The last couple of weeks have proved to be pretty average and lack luster round here and I apologise for the poor quality of content in my contributions to the blog (maybe the 1% rule also applies to things worth posting to your blog?)

So how about this blogs first giveaway? Actually, technically it's this blogs second giveaway but as yet no one has reponded to that giveaway either.

However, I will award this fantasticly crappy prize below...
(even crappier in person, but I think that adds to it's overall charm and 'sentimental blogger' value)

x1 Die cast, 1940 Ford Drag Truck 1/64 scale Hot Wheels truck.
... and post it (at my expense) to the person who comes up with the best caption for this image...

Huughhgh... I need a caption like I need a dick!

So if you're at all interested and would like to take this crappy truck off my hands be in with a chance to win, just put your thinking cap on (I'll allow photoshopping etc for the truly hearty bunch) and either drop either a comment in this post or email me at freetruck@whythefucknot.com with 'Awesome Caption Swag Giveaway.' in the subject line before say ... 9pm( NZ time), July 31, 2006 and I'll annouce the winner on the 1st of August.
It's just that easy.

Great, good luck I'm off to go brrrrrr'ming round the house one last time with my truck.

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

19 July 2006


A wee while ago, I caught wind of this great webcomic, xkcd, and I keep forgetting to make a post on it before the memestream also catch the vapors and it churns it's way into the .old category.

xkcd rather aptly describes itself as "a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language." While at times the humour can seem somewhat incrowd chic geek, I found most of the strips greatly amusing and admittedly I was still there after my first hour skurfing the archive. Enjoy.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

18 July 2006

"Greetings 8-bit Over Lords."

If you too are excited and obsessed by the inevitable invasion of your city by the 'space invaders', you'll probably be into this impressive piece of stop-motion animation I've recently stumbled over.
It must have taken some keen organisation to pull this off and should serve as a reminder of the zen saying. The more things change, the more things stay the same.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

17 July 2006

Random idea #17.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

16 July 2006

Random idea #355.

I am neither a Trekkie, Nasa Space Buff or active S.E.T.I. enthusiast - but there are some ideas about our place in this universe that have been making the rounds in the neural pathways that make up the network that is my brain ...

Imagine for one moment somewhere out there is a highly developed alien civilization existing one billion light years from earth. Now let's say for curiosities sake, this alien race is searching for any sentient life forms in the universe and is so technologically advanced they have in their possession a powerful telescope that could enable them to easily gaze over the surface of a given planet and deduce whether or not it was inhabited by any suitable candidacy.

Given our coordinates, I wonder whether they would see any tell-tale signs at all of complex organised intelligence. I highly doubt they would see any of our collective cultures greatest achievements, like 'The Great Wall of China' the 'The Nasca Lines' the 'Pyramids' etc (and providing they were advanced enough to see-through the walls of my house) I don't think they would be able to see me typing these words right now.

No. It is my belief and therefore conclusion that because of the great distances involved and the time it would take for the light from our planet to reach them, they wouldn't see our planet in any 'Real time' sense relative to 'our' existence.
Any alien observers would in fact merely see our world as it existed one billion years ago, which is a shame because depending on whether you actually believe it or not, the most complicated life forms around at that time were a couple of large colonies of algae ... To Be continued.

In any case, this half baked, half pieced together idea is a work in progress and a window into some of the processes that have been going on in my upstairs dept.
I may come back to this later and either refine or scrap it altogether.
Any and all comments and/or insights are of course always welcomed.
BTW my regular readers may have noticed that despite my best efforts I missed yesterdays daily post. Whoops.


By Erueti Brown with No comments

14 July 2006

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

This post bangs out loud to the members of the deep rolling Quest set.
A reaction to the winter blues probably was right, but Friday was the end of it and just like that I'm out like super tapered stone washed jeans.

Cheers, you guys are down like clowns and if you're ever keen to join me for a non caffeinated beverage sometime, it's my buy.

By Erueti Brown with 2 comments

13 July 2006

Too Much Coffee Man?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
I am prepared to admit it.
I might have a bit of a drinking problem.
I am a Caffiend. But at least for now, I am a functioning Caffiend.

I get up around 5:45am and start up with a fresh glass of 'V8' fruit juice and a Berocca tablet. Then I try to get into the gallery just before 7am, usually sucking back my first red bull of the day as I open the front doors.

By 7:15am, I've seasoned my machine, sorted my grind and as the even flowrate of 9 Atmospheric bars of pressure work their way through the first of four 18gram doses, I watch the extractions drip..drip..drip then gently drop like mousetails into my ceramic demitasse cups, releasing their flavours and oils with the crema steadily building a familiar figure 8 strange attractor pattern through the chaotic turbulence of the viscous fluid.

7:30am and so far I've had at least or for the most part anywhere from 2-6 short shots of coffee, a red bull (or two), the better part of 1 litre of water and I'm finally ready to open the doors.

Thoughout the day, I generally sample extractions between grind changes to maintain extraction quality control and keep within 'the zone', so on an average day it's not uncommon for me to consume anywhere between 5-12 double shots over a 9 hour period. That's not inclusive of energy drinks or the times when I actually feel like a coffee.

And yes, because you must be wondering, I do quite frequently overdose.
Giddiness, headaches, sweats, heart palpitations, tunnel vision, fleeting speech patterns, concentration, short and long term memory problems, mole people visitations and psyhic apocalyptic visions - are just some of the things I try not to think about while I 'ride that twisting dragon out'.
Links and thanks go out to Too Much Coffee Man & Espresso Porn


By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

12 July 2006

Midweek at the watering hole.

Here's a dark video of a Russian Candid Camera prank gone horribily wrong. The surprise ending promises to shock, certainly made me laugh, but then I embrace the darkside.

Also any cat loving readers may wish to consider the 'Tabby Tote' the newest feline transportation system that's currently making the rounds. (It's no 'Bonsai kittens' but it's a start).

By Erueti Brown with No comments

11 July 2006

On his way to St. Ives?

Louis Wain was born in London’s Clerkenwell district in 1860 and eventually became an artist, selling his sketches of dog shows to the Illustrated Sporting News. He married his youngest sister's governess, Emily Richardson, which was considered quite scandalous at the time. His wife contracted breast cancer and died three years later. To entertain her on her sickbed, Wain started drawing their cat, Peter. Emily encouraged him to send these drawings to newspapers and magazines, and soon the Louis Wain cat was a household name, not only in Britain but also in America, where his comics and drawings of cats appeared in several newspapers. Louis Wain was elected as President of the National Cat Club and wrote the book 'In Animal Land with Louis Wain' in 1904. Wain continued drawing cats for newspapers and children’s books until he fell victim to schizophrenia in 1917 at the age of 57. Coupled with WWI and the public dwindling interest it cats, Wain soon fell into poverty and in 1924 was certified “insane” and committed to the pauper’s wing of a mental hospital in Tooting, England. Years later a foundation was set up for him by his peers (including the famous H.G. Wells) which enabled Wain to spend the last years of his life in comfort in private asylums in Southwark and Napsbury, where he continued to paint and draw his cats. Wain allows us a unique insight into the delusions and course of illness in a late onset schizophrenic.

Wain’s early work, while strange to some, is dominated by fanciful imagery of cats dressed in human clothes or engaged in human activity. Considering that much of his work was political cartooning and illustrating for children’s books, the early work seems an adequate representation of his pre-schizophrenic period.

During the onset of his disease at 57, Wain continued to paint, draw and sketch cats, but the focus changed from fanciful situations, to focus on the cats themselves.

Characteristic changes in the art began to occur, changes common to schizophrenic artists. Jagged lines of bright color began emanating from his feline subjects. The outlines of the cats became sever and spiky, and their outlines persisted well throughout the sketches, as if they were throwing off energy.

Soon the cats became abstracted, seeming now to be made up of hundreds of small repetitive shapes, coming together in a clashing jangles of color that transform the cat into something resembling an Eastern diety.

The abstraction continued, the cats now being seen as made up by small repeating patterns, almost fractal in nature.

Until finally they ceased to resemble cats at all, and became the ultimate abstraction, an indistinct form made up by near symmetrical repeating patterns.

Wain, like many late onset schizophrenics, never recovered from his illness. Because of the invention and increase in availability of medications effective in treating schizophrenia, the prognosis for someone diagnosed with the disorder today is much better than the one for Wain, who had been diagnosed in 1917. There is no yet known cause for the late onset in this type of schizophrenia, much like there is no known cause for the onset in the early type. Theories include much the same hypotheses as those for early onset, namely chemical imbalances and/or traumatic experience coupled with a genetic predisposition to the disorder.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

10 July 2006

Here's A Stupid way to Increase your Blog Traffic.

I been wrestling with the consequences and I figure I deserve being baked under the spotlight of the NSA and their Eschelon Project and whatever other trolls this post will no doubt trawl for even considering posting this, but here goes.
(I'll even help you guys out by highlighting the keywords you'll be looking for)

It occurred to me yesterday while filling the car up with petrol, that if I was a Domestic Terrorist/Suicide Bomber who hated the American presence in the Middle East solely for the expressed interest in the control over the flow of Oil, how easy and more terrifying would it be if I just blew myself up at the petrol station instead of some random bus or street corner? Now I guess we'll all be paranoid (and vigilant) because as a byproduct of our convenient/instant gratification culture, gas stations are f--ken everywhere.

Another thing I've been wondering about is if I hated the hipocrisy of everything the American Infidels stand for wouldn't celebrites make for an easy obvious target?
Just imagine how really annoying the Paparazzi would be if some of them had bombs strapped to their chests.

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

09 July 2006

Wood is the new black.

Well my weekend is almost over which is a shame but I feel optimistic about the coming week.

Yesterday was a gorgeous clear day so we packed up our kit and went for a leisurely drive around the bays, on the lurk for some decent fish 'n chips.
As we veered around a corner, I was awestruck by the finest example of customised wooden bling and pimped out craftmanship I have ever seen (okay I'm stretching it a wee bit but it was interesting none-the-less) and naturally I was all over it - (Readers of an earlier post would know I have a thing for wood and have even managed to have my submission for "good as wood" accepted in 'The Urban Dictionary').

Here are some photograph's, which regrettably do no justice to what can only be described as a labour of love, a triumph of dedication and a testimony to man's unquestionable domination over the wood world ...

*UPDATE* How easily impressed and whakama (ashamed) am I after laying down phat tautoko (props) and not caring to mention our proud Maori heritage of wood carving and Marae Craftmanship? - Special thanks go out to the crew for the heads up and for dropping true school science on my dopey indigenous ass.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

08 July 2006

Are you in my pocket like so many nickles and dimes?

I've stolen this idea from friend of mine (Glenn who is a 'Ginger Kid', but we're not holding that against him right now) he first told me this idea 3 or 4 years ago and much like trepanning I've toiled over having it done ever since.
I've approached several plastic surgeons both here and abroad but I am yet to receive any positive news and I guess I'm asking for some assistance from any readers out there who might be in a position to help me in my quest and therefore put this matter to rest. Here's the email.

Hello Dr. Calcinai

My serious enquiry is whether it would be possible via plastic surgery to attach a pocket/pouch to my abdomen similar to one commonly found on a hooded sweatshirt?
If a pocket like this is not possible, in your opinion could you recommend any dimensions for a similar fully functional pocket? Even if it was only big enough to hold a few small items such as car keys, wallet and credit cards.
Finally what is your realistic expectation for the total costing of undergoing such a procedure?
Thank you very much for taking the time to consider the enquiry, I eagerly look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,
Erueti Brown.

From the dozens of emails I have sent, I've currently only received one response that I'll post here.

From: Wellington Plastic Surgery Institute
To: Erueti Brown
Re: Serious Enquiry

Dear Erueti
Unfortunately this is not possible.
Regards Judith

Now is it just me, or does this seem like a cop out? Surely if they can reconstruct the face of a woman burnt in a house fire, or build a vagina for a man to make him feel more complete, the only issue with slapping a pocket on me would be "is that with or without a button or zipper seal?"
Thusly here in lies the challenge. Are there any surgeons who currently do or would do the said cosmetic modification and if so, for how much?


By Erueti Brown with 3 comments

07 July 2006

11:11 the magic posting hour.

I'm pretty useless this week. I've left it all too late and now I'm both stuck and out of time for an idea to suddenly surface for today's daily post. I guess while I await an epiphany, you could attempt 'Einsteins maze', probably the hardest maze I've ever come across and after more than a year, I am still yet to solve it. So good luck.

Oh BTW 2 more things.

I was over at datapimp yesterday and 'Pimped out my web address'. It's really just a redirector, but I've noticed a few regular readers find their way here via a google search for 'Eru+Brown'.
So now I've fixed it so also have the option of reaching 'Eru's LifeCache' through these url's also:
  • erus.fucksicle.com
  • erueti.datapimp.org
  • erubrown.assdog.com
Secondly, while I'm on the subject of how people end up on my blog, someone recently found their way in via a google seach for "Anus + protruding Snakes". I have your ISP number you perverted little worm.

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

06 July 2006

Bah. Where is the Love?

I'm a fairly upbeat type of guy most of the time but this weeks been a real Goatse.
Maybe it's a combination of the almost constant in your face torrential rain we've been experiencing and chilling screeching wind hardup against the backdrop of the bleak grey city, but I'm feeling drained from the constant need to "be on" and I'm not exactly feeling the love right now.
Tomorrows Friday and I can't wait to shake this week off and recharge this semi unified collection of cells crammed together like Voltron (some of their dials are so deep in the red that they look green again)

Anyhows I'm off to bed. Gotta getup again at 5:30am. Can't wait for this weather to finally break and take a more agreeable turn.
Until then I'm reminding myself of the old Arab saying that "All Sunshine makes for the Desert".

By Erueti Brown with No comments

05 July 2006

By George by Crumb!

A little bit of culture shall we?
I have to admit I've only recently been switched onto him, but how amazing is George Crumb?
Not to be confused with another visionary with a very similar name George Crum (the inventor of potato chip), Crumb is an American composer of modern and avant garde music. Born October 24, 1929, (the same day as the infamous great Crash on Wall Street), Crumb is known for his "unusual and hauntingly evocative timbres and for incorporating mysterious voices and sounds of unconventional instruments into his works," and for his innovative use of theatrical techniques in chamber music. Examples include spoken flute (one speaks while blowing into the instrument) and glass marbles poured onto an open piano. He has also used unusual layouts of musical notation in a number of his scores. In several pieces, his complex music is symbolically laid out in a beautiful circular or spiral fashion. I'm impressed!

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

04 July 2006

Donna Huata can taste my sacks.

This one's for you Donna Awatere Huata. It's too bad your vision and passion to set up a 4 minute reading programme to teach young Maori to read wasn't as driven as your passion for dipping into the kitty now and then eh girl? Which is a shame because outside of that brilliant 4 minutes a day reading programme, you had your fingers in quite afew other tasty pies didn't you? Thanks again for the opportunity to dress up and prance around in Versace at Parliament for the day (I can't believe you asked security to not to admit the models who stayed behind to clean up to your little fahionista afterparty Donna! ) and may I say that this certificate you presented to me afterward is exactly the kind of thing employers look for in a resume when hiring Maori. Well done.

By Erueti Brown with No comments

03 July 2006

WWJD? Which Would Jesus Do?

Well it's late, it's a Monday and I'm more than a little drunk right now (After a small rinseout with cousin 'middle T' chairman Pickles) So this image will have to suffice as a post (comments welcomed) Or if that fails to wet your appetite, perhaps this image of a deep fried quarter pounder will (with double battered french fries I believe) ...

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

02 July 2006

So much meat for so little money.

In the wee small hours of a Saturday morning way back in 2002, I was off my face and just happened to stagger into a queue at Burger King for a bit of quick drunken nosh on the way home. I remember peering at the menu boards and then at the young man behind the counter and noticed he kept smiling at me, then his eyes would immediately dart down towards the counter display directly in front and between us. He kept looking at me square in the eye, then smiling then his eyes kept returning to the display board and repeating the whole process again. I was drunk but I could tell something was happening here. Was he trying to send me a message? Were his glances a warning perhaps? Some sort of inside tip? I couldn't be sure so I took a good look at the display board. Here's what I saw.

Okay so what? He's waiting for me to order and I rattle off something "Blah blah.. Onion rings..blah blah Double Whopper.. ra ra Pepsi" or something like that, when he looks at me again in the eye then again to the display sign, reads back the order and keen as a bean belts out "I'll get that for you immediately Sir!"checks the sign again and takes off like a cut cat. Meanwhile, I'm left standing there swaying to and fro, trying to work out WTF this sign business is all about when the mischievous god of drunken logic provides me with a solution. For ridiculous reasons, I reach over and grab the display sign and quickly tuck it down my trousers all before the young man comes back with my order. He never mentioned anything (but I knew he knew) as I grabbed my food and hastily made for the door. Pepped up, I ran all the way home and forgot about the entire incident by the time I opened the front door and crashed out (never even eating my Burger King) When I woke up in the morning I remembered the stupid drunken antic I had done and pulled the sign out of my jeans I'd left scattered in the middle of the floor.

I looked again at my stolen trophy in shame, but this time from the other side (his side) of the display sign and I could feel pride swelling as a smile crept across my face and it suddenly all made sense. I had to laugh at what I saw there.

I know - what a score!

By Erueti Brown with No comments

01 July 2006

Tigers Are Every Where.

Tigers are Everywhere.
In the trees and on the ground,
Tigers can be found.

But when Tigers sleep.
It's best to crawl and creep,
around the Jungle,
Whilst it's dark.

It began as in inside joke, but now I would imagine that there is only one reader who would truly fully appreciate the above poem of mine.
Today I received this very impressive piece of congratulations mail, expressing that out of thousands of entries,"Tigers are Everywhere" has been accepted and is scheduled for publication in a coffee table publication called 'Immortal Verses' which is due to be released this Summer 2006. So f--kedup!
I may also win the $10,000 US dollars annual prize for this apparently brilliant poem.

By Erueti Brown with 3 comments

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