30 March 2006

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By Erueti Brown with No comments

Eru - Trend Setting in Processed Cheese.

Originally uploaded by erueti_welly.
*Update 24 May 06 - If you were directed here after a "narcissurf" google search thenyou'll probably want these links because the following is all about me and none of it will be about you :-)
Ego Surf
,Who links to me,Ego Seaches&RSS.

Everyone's done it at some stage. It's called narcissurfing: Googling yourself to see where, when, and how many times your name comes up. Well, unlike some of you out there, I have my own Templar Armies, my own black metal band my own servant and priests and not forgetting of course that in any spare time, I am also the one supreme creator (even if only in the fictional sense).
How perfect is it that 'eru.com' is none other than "ROYAL ERU" the famous Dutch cheese makers who are 'Trend Setting in Processed Cheese'? It's also nice to find that Erus out there share similar intrests. I've discovered that ERU is also the Trojan virus Win32.Rbot.ERU and is often found sniffing around looking for a backdoor entrance.
Eru in the Sindarin language means Desert and God (also God in Quenya) and transliterated from Sumerian means 'The impregnator'.
While this Eru was the man, it's not all good out there in the ERU massive, some are giving me a bad name. Oh well at least I've always got Princess Eru.

Other items found during my narcissurf include:

ERU - Emergency Response Unit.
ERU - Error Return address Update.
ERU - Emission Reduction Unit.
ERU - English Rugby Union.
ERU - Equine recurrent uveitis, sometimes known as moon blindness.
ERU - Earth Rate Unit.
ERU - Ejector Release Unit.

Now logos can be a tricky matter, so I thought I had better have a little scope around to see who's got the best ERU logo and make sure the ERU standard of quality assurance
and compliance was being held up.
So here are some of the good and the bad and the just plain ugly logo examples that standout in the bunch.

Economical Research Unit.
Erus has a nice one even though it's Erus not Eru's.
Eru software's logo isn't half bad.
ERU Annual data summary is one of my favourites so far.
This ERU is my favourite. I like how it's almost a cross between Eru and Uber don't you?

The worst example I found hailed from my own country and shamefully, from within the Capital City where I live. Here it is I'm obviously not impressed at all.

So there you have it - the search goes on. If you happen upon anything give me a head's up. Until then, next time you or someone you know pops out a baby, suggest my name.
As you can see they'll be amongst good company.


By Erueti Brown with No comments

29 March 2006

LinkCache dumping grounds.

A new feature of Eru's LifeCache to appear regularly is the 'LinkCache dumping grounds'.
It's a place to dump some of my favourite flavours of the week/month into for your pleasure.
There's a lot of video here from 'YouTube' and 1 item is probably NSFW. (Not safe for work)

Zoom Quilt is old fer'sure, but it's good as GoldTops. In fact. It's even better on GoldTops.

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By Erueti Brown with No comments

28 March 2006

Scam Boatin Saga Part 3 - Curse of the Polesmoker.

Originally uploaded by erueti_welly.
Okay. Lately there have been some surprising new developments going on in the background of the series which have been a little tricky to say the least. In fact, I am now prepared to admit I may have biten off alittle more than I would have liked too. There's a lot of work involved which has caused me to rethink my approach and ask for a little outside assistance from time to time. Also I am considering my options as to what precautionary measures if any I should take. The last thing I would like is for this to snowball out of my control and I end up on a nice little vacation packed into several frozen shrinkwrapped parcels to destinations unknown. Having said that I'm hoping the promise of a mystery ending to the series will no doubt have you all asking
'How will it all end?'
Well here it is folks yanked clean and fresh from the
'Scam Boatin Saga'.

It's Part 3 - 'Curse of the Polesmoker'.

We left our hero Yura Polesmoker trying grow some balls to show to Mr. Nana Samson Boatin with mixed results. What has Samson got instore for Yura Polesmoker you think? A quick revise of the game plan is what is needed, and fortunately thats exactly what will happen and the whole game will change.
How? Well. A little luck has provided me I deem as a feasible plan to frustrate and manipulate Samson Boatin and whatever other cronies he has out there even further. This is going to be a lot of fun if he/they bite.

Here's the Deel-lee-yo. I've been a visitor of the presurfer and his other project the generator blog for some time now. I recently found a generator (for reasons unknown to me) that generates random phony scam letters mimicking the exact scam letters that 419 con artist’s send.
I thought wouldn’t it be hilarious if I applied the same technique and Samson thought he not only had competition, but that Yura Polesmoker was falling for their scam faster than his. Sure, he’s now got my details but they’re of no use to him if some one else gets to me first are they? Remember to keep in mind I have created this new proposal from the site. I love the irony don’t you? (is it irony?). What will he do now?

Here is the fake proposal I’m trying to trick Samson into believing
I’ve fallen for.

In Strict Confidence... Date: March 16, 2006, 4:32 pm
From: "J. Yomotaka" (address removed)
To: yura_polesmoker@yahoo.com

Dear Sir.
Your contact information was referred to me by one of my trusted contacts, whose name I am not at liberty to compromize. I would like to approach you with reguards to a profitable Business Proposal, reguarding the transfer of TEN MILLION ($10000000) U.S. Dollars into your Bank Account. For reasons I am sure you will appreciate, I ask that you keep this commucation confidential, and avoid it falling into the hands of any agents of the Nigerian Secret Police that may be operating in Your area.
My name is J. Yomotaka, and I am the Son of C.J. Chow, the recently Removed from Power Chairman of the National Bank in Nigeria. If you have been following the events in my country over the last few years, you will remember the big scandal that took place when Chow was imprisoned for alleged crimes against humanity without ever standing trial. You see, my Father had a lot of enemies in the wealthy circles, who envied his great secret fortune. It was they who removed him in the hope to gain access to the money that he collected from over-invoicing various contracts (a practice that is quite common in Nigeria). Fortunately, there was too much scandal and media coverage in the aftermath of Chow's imprisonment for them to move openly to claim his money. This gave me and a few trusted people who were still loyal to my Father, an opportunity to move the money into a secret account at the Second Central Bank of Nigeria. While we managed to do this without the Nigerian Secret Police becoming aware of our activities, the money cannot remain in this account, because at the end of the tax year, all deposits and interest will be reported to the Taxation Bureau of Nigeria, where our enemies have informants in their pay. The only option available to us is transferring the money to a trusted partner who is a foreign national and cannot be linked to C.J. Chow in any way. As your name was brought to my attention by a very trusted contact in Nigeria's Foreign Office, I have been authorized by my partners to contact you with this Proposal. All that would be required of you is the use of your bank account to perform a transfer of TEN MILLION ($10000000) U.S. Dollars. Once the money has been deposited, one of Chow's other Sons will contact you, at which point you will release SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS ($7000000) of the amount into his custody. I am authorized by my Father's estate in Nigeria to offer you the remaining THREE MILLION DOLLARS ($3000000) as a compensation for your services. Because the money would only need to be in your bank account for a few days, and your danger of being discovered by The Nigerian Secret Police is minimal, we believe the commission of THIRTY PERCENT (30 %) to be more than generous. Once I have received your consent and Bank Account number, I will be able to make a claim under your name with The Pan-African Insurance Company for the above sum. We have a friend on the Board Of Oversight in that organization who has assured me that the claim will be processed without raising any red flags, and the money will be released into Your Bank Account no later than within SEVEN (7) days from the time I receive your response. I am at your disposal to answer any questions you may have about this Transaction, so don't hesitate to contact me via telephone, at +*-***-***-**** (actual number removed.). I eagerly await your reply, though I must ask you to treat this matter with great secrecy, lest you betray me and my partners to the agents of Nigerian Secret Police.

Respectfully Yours,

J. Yomotaka

Look the part? Not to shabby at all. Looks believable enough to scam a scam artist don’t you think? I think it’s a definite improvement on Samson’s original email. Think he'll bite or see that not only is it a scam. It's a scam Scam scam. Ridiculous! So any way, I attach the fake scam prososal (which took ages and ages to finally attach. I hope it was the same for Samson on the other end) to the following email and seal it with a loving kiss. I'm wondering. Is it a fake scam letter or a real fake scam letter?

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 17:36:32 -0800 (PST)
From: "erueti brown"
To: "nana_boatin boatin" Dear Mr. Samson Boatin

I hope you got my details this time. However, something only god could grace me with has happened. I have been in communication with another party with a better offer. Mr. J Yomotaka was more than happy to hear back from me and has moved very fast with my details to provide the quick transfer of a significantly larger sum of monies into my account. Of which I will recieve in total more money than you have offered me. I have attached his proposal to this email which as you can see is very very lucrative. Mr. J Yomotaka has a very good heart and trustworthy. I have transferred for a very small cash amount (considering) into an account to facilitate in the quick transferance of said monies. Appartrantly because "money talks", officials in power need the "right motivation" for this deal to move ahead fast which might include some small token gifts which are vital to keep everyone happy while looking the otherway according to Mr. J Yomotaka.
Condering the vast amount of money involved and the trust I have with Mr. J. Yomotaka here I stand to make quite a bit from my new friend, who is also happy to pay for me to visit his country when said deal is comenced.

So the ball as they say is in your corner Mr. Samson Boatin. Can you make me a better counter offer? I think not, but I thought I would give you a chance seeing as you are a business man. I am still happy to work with you even though my partner Mr. J Yokotaka expressed not too and to call our deal off all together. But only if there is alot more money for me.
Please understand this has nothing to do with how rude you were to me earlier.
It is not personal Mr. Samson it's just business.

Look forward to hearing from you if not good luck and god bless for your future.

Yura Polesmoker xxx

How's that so far? This must be a 1st for Samson wouldn't you say? So what are you going to do now Mr. Boatin? I bet you are finding this all pretty hard to fathom right now aren't you? You should have treated Yura Polesmoker better don't you think? Still think it's all fun and games now? Games changed. I can't wait to hear from you.

But I didn't. I think it's all backfired. No more email's from Samson to post. It's all over. I mean these scams aren't run by idiot's they're people just like you and me. It's only the language barrier and their desperation for my dollar that's kept this alive for this long. I should break it off now. Before it really, really turns ugly. Okay I will. But one more for the road huhh? Why not?

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006 10:48:40 -0800 (PST)
From: "erueti brown"
To: "nana_boatin boatin"

Where are you Mr. Samson Boatin?

It's my birthday today and still no word from Samson. I almost feel like I've been stoodup. I'm 30 and I'm fucking around with Ghanian Criminals. Not exactly how I pictured my life.

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2006 00:17:17 -0800 (PST)
From: "nana_boatin boatin"
Subject: You have another
To: "erueti brown"

If you want to carry on with me do not engage in another similar transaction Well I can only laugh at you how can a Nigerian answer Asian names it is not possible. Also the apex bank in Nigeria is called central bank of Nigeria and not national bank of Nigeria your partner with a better offer has said and he can not even speak food English and to cap it all up Nigeria is full of fraud. Every thing in that country is fraud. It will not discourage you since you think you are so smart .But I know for sure that that money does not exist the so called people never existed and you will never get any money in your account but end up loosing your money to gifts carry on.


OMFG! He replied. And what a friend to warm me about those phonies! Looks like there may also be another writer on the Samson payroll. Good job 9/10 Samson. With 1 point deducted for making me sweat and doubt myself on my birthday.

I can't believe I've gotten away with it. Well This calls for a special 'How much can I get away with' response. Will the new writer perhaps notice I'm taking the piss? Or will they just think that's how all ex-pat Bulgarians write? Well let's find out .

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2006 08:34:58 -0800 (PST)
From: "Yura Polesmoker
Subject: Re: You have another
To: nana_boatin

Mr. Boatin. If you still want me and want to do the business of transference between two consenting business men, then you must negotiate a better deal for me than the 30% stated or deal is off. Iam not the fool you take me for and yes I am smart like you said in your last email. I can 150% assure you that I have hardcopies and photographe that prove in closeup detals of how impressively well endowed and equip Mr. J Yomotaka is by Nigerian standards. I am very pleased with the speed and quick progression Mr. J Yomotaka and his family have made have managed to have said monies in the last stages for finalisation ready to hit my account we are looking forward to more profitable deeper penetration business after proving ourselves to eachother in this one. I have transferred another minor amount of monies to Mr. J Yomotakas lawyer Mr. Miyagi to cover anymore of the advance fees Mr. J Yakatomo expects to encounter in such an operation. Dont be the sadJelous shy man when you flop your money deal on the table next to Mr. J Yakatomos very big deal. That will only make yours shrivelup and look smaller in comparison. Strictly speaking from what I have seen, Mr. J Yakatomo is very VERY big in the downstairs dept of bank administrations and because of his family he possesses the necessary girth to completely satisfy not only the needs and desires for the complete success of this transaction but many many more multiple transactions one after another. He has shown and proved to me his "Bentknee appoach" face to face front end business model is very effective between consenting business men and is probably the future business of all positions. Where your "Reach around" model of slowly easing in from behind the client is an old approach which frankly Mr. Boatin I was never truely comfortable with and left me feeling sore and caught with my pants down when you to failed to deliver in full and on time.
SO all you have to remember now is increase the 30% for me and offer some assurances of good faith on your part or no deal thank you very much Mr. Boatin.

Yura Polesmoker.

You know it wasn't till after I sent the email I realised I had referrred to my business partner Mr. J Yomotaka as 'Yakatomo' I wonder if that will make a difference in the overall credibilty of my story? Hmm? After everything else I doubt it. This will be the most I've managed to get away with if he responds you know.

I also created another yahoo id for yura polesmoker to try stop that obviously glaring inconsistency, even though I've learned in my dealings with Samson that the only thing I can be 100% sure of with him is his inconsistency. So now, once again I wait. But this time I feel free, and somehow empowered.
If you still wanna play Samson I gotcha game for ya right here buddy.

Haha. He has replied!
And with the craziest email yet. I can't really begin to describe this one. You'll have to see it for yourself in "Scamin' Boatin Saga" part 4. the as yet unreleased mystery special!


By Erueti Brown with No comments

27 March 2006

Nos iuguolo pullus. Nos iuguolo pullus verus bonus!

Originally uploaded by erueti_welly.
I eat chicken. Quite a bit really. It's not uncommon for us to chow down on different configurations of the fowl 4 or 5 times in 1 week. So yeah, you could say that we're doing our bit for the chicken.
But as you know worldwide we are all eating a lot of this bird. I mean we really go for broke don't we? Can we really eat that much poultry? Apparently yes, and be greedy enough to grab another collective wing, thigh or strip of skin before we are willing to call it a day.
A little bit of googling gave me information which, though insightful, was not actually what I was looking for. Did you know, for instance, that the domestic chicken is the most common bird in the world? That in 2003, there were an estimated 24 billion chickens worldwide - almost all of them raised for their meat and eggs. And that Canadians chicken farmers produced 934 million kilograms of chicken in 2003 which is approximately 467 million birds!

Blah blah blah right? Where the hell am I going with this one you're maybe wondering? Well I'm not trying to put you or myself off our chicken for dinner tonight - that's the 1st thing. And you can rest assured this is not going to end with a link and a spirited action to come join the Animal Liberation Front with me. I just had a few queries as to what the 'final solution' for the chicken is? How do they process that much chicken? I mean I know it sounds naive, but maybe some very small operations still employ people to process these chickens by hand. However, I couldn't imagine what possible skills an employee in this kind of 'hands on' line of work stood to gain that could be translated easily into any other trade - Seeing as your only skill would be that of 'I kill chickens. I kill chickens real good'. I'm pretty sure the modern world would have moved on by now.
And moved on we most certainly have Dear reader. A quick search of 'chicken processing' and 'history of chicken processing' lead me to many claims from small operations proudly announcing 'Over 200,000 pounds of chicken per week move through our processing facility and are distributed overnight to our customers'. 200,000 pounds per week? yes 'they kill chickens. They kill chickens real good'.
Some times I've noticed, the more things change the more things stay the same.

What I really want to know is this. With the age we live in, where profit is a function of expense, loss, and revenue and the efficiency ratio of a business being expenses as a percentage of revenue, someone must be making a killing out of finding better, cheaper and faster ways for us to cram this bird into our gobs. So let's focus on that for a little moment. Do you mean to tell me somewhere in some science lab or manufacturing plant it's someone job to experiment in breakthrough cutting edge chicken processing technology? How would you, for instance, go about such a task? I mean surely all the good methods out there done aren't they? Is it a case of reinventing the wheel. Or does the adage "There's more than one way to skin a cat" also apply to our feathered friends?
Okay then so let's say it's your job and you've thought about it all day when suddenly at 3 in the morning an epiphany strikes you like a bolt of lightning. A better way to kill a chicken. And it's brilliant, completely revolutionary and promises to propel humankind into a brave new era where we can finally and unequivocally state "We kill chickens! We kill chickens real good!" What do you do next? Make the thing and toss a chicken in? I think not! Maybe a mad scientist would go around throwing chickens willy nilly but not here. Here we do tests tests tests! For results results results! Which all sounds right to me because if you want to bring this new machine out of beta you need to make damn sure not only does it kill chickens but it kills them really good.
Surely you can see the problems here. For example, I can imagine a steel type box where chickens are, um, herded into, all standing up straight and looking around when. Wham! A guillotine swooshes by and very quickly and effectively relieves them of their thoughts at that precise moment in time. How would you know how effective your machine was? What if a couple of hens amazed by their feet, ducked just in time to miss the guillotine only to pop back up to wonder where every had suddenly gone to? How many chicken glitches like this would it take before you felt sure enough to approach the chicken processing illuminati with certainty, while quietly waiting for your nobel peace prize for humanitarian services to chickens?
What I'm saying is you can't go straight ahead and use real live chickens 1st can you? No one would allow a machine that's never actually killed a real chicken, start off its debut of despatching poultry with a real live chicken. Because you couldn't guarantee the success of it, let's face it, chicken murder over lets say attempted chicken murder. What you need is a sort of 'mock chicken' a 'stand by' chicken or 'default chicken'. One that you can put through the works knowing that even though it looks like a chicken and walks like a chicken it most definitely is not a chicken. What you need my friends is a "Test Crash Dummy Chicken".
This may be the origin or perhaps inspiration for the famous gag 'rubber chicken'. Which would be for me at least a sad end to my search for the truth of the matter.

I much prefer the notion that somewhere out there's a company catering to the expressed needs of a very exclusive and very small niche. So small you can't find any mention of them on the internet. One that must supply what must be a fantastic example of mankind's eternal quest for perfection. The perfect geek/hipster uber gift for someone who has everything. The Ultimate test crash dummy chicken. And of course I've just got to have one.

*Anyone who knows anything about this please please please either take pity on me and get me one or point me to where I need to go.

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By Erueti Brown with No comments

24 March 2006


Now this is a LONG overdue shout out to the somewhat underground & un-f@#ken-believable power from the combined forces that make up URBAN MOVEMENT. Simply put this Wellington City ubercrew stands miles above anything else I've ever heard before hands down! Featuring what must be the finest stable of welly M.C.s in existence, Aotearoa hiphop just got interesting! Their presence provides a fresh energy to the talent starved welly scene, and has sent shock waves forcing all crews in the CapCity Massive to step their game up.
Album Producer/Promoter Mish, is a complex character of contradictions and all round the nicest thug/Chinese Medicine Practicioner you're probably ever likey to meet on Tinakori road. If your lucky enough to be in the area or dropping off some muffin's, you might hear him dropping science with some of the freshest illmatic topshelf selection's.
So keep an ear out, support your city, do whatever you want but don't wait till this crew blows up in your face and you have to blog about how dope URBAN MOVEMENTS flows are. Cos' you're too late fool!
Thanks Mish, your crew's spits fire and your alright to on that demo to bro' I guess.


By Erueti Brown with No comments


Look I don't know about you guys. But I figure it would be more likely for me to stumble upon a subterranean entrance into the hollow earth and secretly breed with the giant worm Queen of the mole people than to have a real chance of getting a gmail account anytime soon. It was totally surprising then that today after weeks completely expelling all feasible and utterly humiliating avenues that one just happened to fall into my lap. Huge shoutouts to Laura Gage for hooking me and 5ive lucky readers of the lifecache up because I'm in a happy mood and I'd like to give something back.

So to be amongst the lucky 5ive just drop your email in the comment box along with 5ive good reasons for why you want a gmail account and I might be able to swing Laura into to judging the best entry's for an invite to join.

Good luck.

* How do you like the blog so far Laura? You missedout on a really inspired Amway weekend LOL.

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By Erueti Brown with 2 comments

22 March 2006

Scam Boatin Saga Part 2.

Originally uploaded by erueti_welly.
Any new readers to Eru's LifeCache are just in time to enjoy the second installment from the hugely popular "Scam Boatin Saga". Postings are freshly plucked from my recent 419 Adventures and feature the loveable and delightful character Samson Nana Boatin.
Anyone needing to be brought up to speed can always check back to my earlier post entitled "Scam Baiting and Scam Boatin Saga Part 1.".
Well friends. It's a long post so without any futher adue.
Here's Part 2.
Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2006 12:02:02 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown Subject: Re: More about me To: "nana_boatin boatin"
Hello to my friend Nana Samson Boatin. What do you prefer to be called?
Thank you again for your email. Seeing as you are a trustworthy person with a good heart and have told me your real name I shall do so also. My full name is Yura Polesmoker (Bulgarian desendants) a I am 42 and live with my mother in a very nice one bedroom apartment. I am not married yet or have any children though I very much love the children. I think about all the time they are so innocent and pure dont you think so? Like angels from our holy father on earth I like to think. If only we could be more trusting like the children/angels and the world would be a better place full of good hearted people. Do you think so too? I am looking forward to hearing from you again Nana Samson Boatin and building trust together so we can do gods good work here on earth for the little angels. God bless.

Yura Polesmoker xxx

There. I have decided on a name and a background but will he believe it all? Will he figure out my name is a direct poke at him? Not to mention my not so subtle secret code. I wonder what he is thinking about his new friend and partner Yura Polesmoker. Will he take me seriously enough to reply?

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2006 23:29:39 -0800 (PST) From: "nana_boatin boatin
Subject: Lets Proceed To: "erueti brown"
Dear Partner,
Thanks for your mail How is your mother and I will want us to work together.
All I want you to do is give me your full contact details as I have requested in my first mail and again I do so now so that I can prepare the deal for commencement Full Name Physical address Occupation Age Phone fax email Country of origin Country of residence.

Regards Samson

LOL. I guess Samson believes it all. I don’t know if he understood anything from my last email, but at least he kindly asks after my mother which shows he read some of it.
Still pressing with the hard sell for my details – which I probably would have given him if I could settle on a good lie I could stick too. 4/10 for this email. I'd like more from him than these boring emails in the future. Lets see if Yura Polesmoker can open Samson up a little... stop snickering.

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2006 01:34:14 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown" Subject: Re: Lets Proceed To: "nana_boatin boatin"
Hello again Samson. I would like to give you my details because I can hardly sleep thinking about all the money you will give me. Wow, is this really real? I mean that really is alot of money by my standards. I want to be a good person but today I thought I could run awaywith that much money! But I have to think of all the good work I can do with it instead of just spending it on a new car. What will you do with your share of the money Samson? My Mother is so pleased that you have mentioned her and says thank you and god bless you for your good work and kind good heart. Please call me by my full name now that we are friends in business venture Yura Polesmoker. Maybe you could say hello to my mother and make her day Mr. Samson Boatin. Her full name is Ima Polesmoker and she is a beautiful lady. Im getting my details ready for you good my friend. I love you and god bless you and your family of angels. I have to leave now to give my mother a bath but we will talk soon okay? Cant wait to hear from you in goodtimes chum love.

Yura Polesmoker xxx

I've tried to change tact in my persona by showing a glint of greed and conflict between right and wrong while still remaining seemingly clueless. I still haven’t come up with any new details just yet and I am worried that by mentioning my mother so soon into the piece might scare him off. I’m trying to pack in more laughs-per-email so I hope he does start calling me by my full name. This would all be worth it for me if he says would just say hello to my Mum wouldn't it?

Alas. My last email didn't score me a reply. I'm pretty sure I've pushed it too far with Samson this time. Not giving him any details by now has probably has changed his image of me as a serious mark. Okay but I won't give up yet.
One last cast of the line to see if he’s lurking out there somewhere.

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2006 16:38:34 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown" Subject: Re: Lets Proceed To: "erueti brown"
Hello Mr. Samson Boatin. I havent heard back from you. Iam worried You have forgotten about me and my Mother? I really hope not because you have been in our prayers because you are a good man to have met. I was thinking when this is all over I would like to pay for you to come and visit me face to face. Even including your lovely angel/children. Would you also like me to send you a current photograph of myself with of our national bird the "kiwi"? Please get back to me Mr. Samson Boatin and say hello to my mother Ima Polesmoker too and I will send you any information you might need to hurry this transaction my dear partner and trustworthy friend okay? God I love you and god bless you

Yura Polesmoker xxx

Are you there at all Mr. Samson Boatin? I’d really love to hear from you really I would.
I don’t wont to think it’s over. Come on Samson reply.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006 02:08:36 -0800 (PST) From: "nana_boatin boatin" Subject: Re: Lets Proceed To: "erueti brown"
You can send me your phototgraph yes but I want you to give me your details like I requested in the mail so that we can continue with the transaction

Yay! Receiving this email fills me with renewed inspiration Mr. Boatin! However you have changed haven’t you? He has changed hasn’t he? No more calling me partner. No more god bless you. No “how’s my mother” or “Hi Ima Polesmoker”. No even calling my by my full name like I asked you. Frankly I’m disappointed in Samson. When did this become all about you and your needs Samson? What’s to be done of this? 2/10 extra point awarded for at least replying.

Grrr fuck him. If he won't play its time to really start wasting his time by filling up his inbox and trying to piss him off in the progress!

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006 11:49:52 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown" Subject: Re: Lets Proceed To: "nana_boatin boatin"
What is this Mr. Samson Boatin? Dont you want to do the business with me anymore? Your last email wasn’t very warm hearted and friendly like you used to be. You didnt even say hello to my mother Ima Polesmoke or call me by my full name Yura Polesmoke as I asked you to do earlier. Are you angry with me my good friend? Have you been putting in too many long hours at work I bet! Please don’t be grumpy with me my chum this will all work out for the both of us I know its in gods plan for us to be rich sipping martinis hand in hand in hammocks watching the sunset somewhere on a Tropical Island. Actually a Tropical Island probably isn’t you thing because Nigeria is very hot already isn’t it? Well hand in hand in the snow it is then! How are you for skiing you brute? Anyway now I have cheered you up you grumpy grumble boots we can commence business together with only good feelings for each other in our hearts. How soon after I give you my details will all the money be transferred? What do you need from me? I love you don’t get angry with me Mr. Samson Boatin good luck don’t work too hard and I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

God Bless you all my love trust with wings taking flight.

Yura Polesmoker xxx.

Now that'll change his tune. Surely he'd be more than happy to hear from his good partner and friend again wouldn't he? Maybe he'll buck up his ideas and start treating me in the manner I’ve become accustom too.
There will be no more of these cold succinct emails from Samson anymore. No, not if he wants to go on a holiday with me hand in hand that’s for sure!

But still no reply. That's no problem next email. This time no more mister nice Yura Polesmoker.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006 14:55:25 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown" Subject: Mr. Boatin: URGENT MESSEGE FROM YURA POLESMOKER To: "nana_boatin boatin"
Hello Mr. Samson Boatin.
Since we have become comfortable with one another before we preceed I feel I must speak the mind and I am sorry and with heavy heart to say this. PLEASE DONT WASTE MY TIME! I have spent too much of my TIME trying to BUILD this BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP to let you and stuff this all up for me and Thoroughly COMPRIMISEng my INTRESTS in this TRANSACTION! Meaning, your I am wasting my time waiting to hear back from you when we both know this could be settled much much faster if you responded to my emails in more immediately. So whats happening? Are you working behind my backside with others to use me and CUT ME out of deal? Are you indeed big man? in charge of venture like you want me to believe or is there a bigger man in charge of YOU I should be DEALING with? If you are in charge I am beginning to wonder if can you handle such a big operation or if you are too junior? Be honest with me. Can we do this thing or not? Obviously the slow speed of this Transaction is worrying me. Will it take this long for me to get any of the monies you promised me? I hope not! Now if you are really serious about doing this then you had better get back to me prompty and tell me how things are going on your end before I lose faith and you lose not only A good frieNd but a good bUsineSs and liFe partner!!
I have stILL havE faith in you foR now Mr. Boatin. Try to remember you aren't just letting me down you are letting your whole country down with you. Think of all the goodwork we could be doing for the little children/angels.
Trying hard to love you right now.

Yura Polesmoker.

That’s got to do something. Now hopefully I’ve turned the tables round again and provoked Samson to jump back through some more hoops. Think he will notice the glaring code? Are you angry now Samson? I’ve had a lot of fun with you up until now Mr. Boatin. But to be honest if you don’t respond you’re a complete bore and I’ve out grown you anyway.

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 03:07:10 -0800 (PST) From: "nana_boatin boatin"
Subject: GET SERIOUS To: "erueti brown"

That rattled the cage. Check out those angry caps. That’s the fighting spirit I was hoping to see! No spelling errors either I’m impressed! Who Da BIG MAN in charge! 9/10! Well done!
Huge mistake on my behalf though. I cant believe I didn’t read his first email properly before calling him a Nigerian! I’ve probably blown it all now if I don’t give him at least a little of what he’s been after. Still you think I'm going to let him get away with that?
I'll give you my details Samson. But not without my pound of flesh from you. So yes its more frustration ahead for Mr. Boatin with lots more goading from me your friend and all round superhero Yura Polesmoker.

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 03:39:02 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown
Subject: Yura Polesmoker broken business heart To: "nana_boatin boatin"
Firstly. Samson never raise your voice like that to me ever again if you want to go on holiday with me either skiing or sunner I no matter the weather. I thought you were my good friend? Why did you add that last bit about not being a social worker? You already have my details and if you bothered to check you would know that? What exactly have you
done with them?
You better hope you haven’t lost them?I am trying to be a business man also just like you, dont you know it is rude to treat a client like you have treated me? Seeing as you are so unorganized Mr. Boatin, I will now have to send them to you again.
I would also like an explanation and an apology for you rudeness seeing as I have done everything you have asked from the start. Here are my details again.
Full name: Mr. Yura Polesmoker,
Address: Apt 4 19 Gloryhole Lane,
Occupation: Freelance Custom War Hammer/Bloodbowl figurine artist.
Date Of Birth: 09/11/1964
Email: yura_polesmoker@yahoo.com
Country of Origin: BULGARIA
Country of Rersidence: NEW ZEALAND

Get back to me immediately please. Crying business heart.

Yura Polesmoker.

Okay that concludes part 2. of the "Scam Boatin Saga".
I hope you are all looking forward to part 3.


By Erueti Brown with 2 comments

21 March 2006

Curious or Furious?

If you have been reading my blog over the last few days then you may have noticed I've been up at some odd times posting. Maybe the fact I turned 30 yesterday coupled with the realisation I will never be a "20 something" again is a possible explantion to account for the recent interruptions to my normal sleeping patterns. I can tell you as many writers no doubt have noticed that in these wee small hours, some very odd thoughts start rattling around in the ole' sleep deprived loaf of bread.

I guess it was no real surprise then, and really more a matter of WHEN and not IF I heard my monkeys of christmas past knocking again...

Well actually in my defence it was really only one monkey Knocking.
Not of the watery variety this time either. This one was a small brown monkey with a penchant towards getting himself into all manner of malarky. You should all remember this fellow and his friend what's his name again? Is it John? I cant remember, but we all remember him simply as "The Man with the Yellow Hat". And the monkey in question? Yup, you guessed it.

Curious George the curious little monkey.

Recently, as odd as this will no doubt sound. I seem to be conjuring up a veritable horde of monkey related memories. Looking back into my childhood there has been many a monkey I have been influenced by. The SeaMonkeys (see earlier post) Lance Link secret chimp and BJ one half of the unstoppable force that was "BJ and the Bear" just to name afew off the top of my head.

But Curious George was a special memory for alot of us out there.
George was a good monkey. He existed as a free spirit with his one and only vice.
His curiousity.
Now "The Man with the Yellow Hat"gave security and authority. He was the embodiment of all that was good and right with the world posessing all the qualities we admire most in the human condition. Strength, Patience, Compassion and Unconditional Love.
Curious George succeded in teaching these principles to children young and old around the World. Which is why, with the help of people like folk singer Jack Johnson, the scared citizens of a politically overcorrected and overculled society can once again welcome George the curious little monkey back into the world with open arms.
Maybe this good little monkey can once again remind us of a simpler time, with simpler truths that existed not too long ago and help us find the answers we desperatly long for.
Maybe its time for the world to revist and rekindle our own curious George or Man/Woman with the yellow hat nature.
It's still there within each of us, waiting not too deep just beneth the suface.

Okay hopefully now I've gotten that monkey off my back there won't be anymore posting about monkeys for quite some time to come and maybe I might finally able get some peace and well needed kip.

[Technorati] Curious George,

By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

20 March 2006

Are you Still Down with the SeaMonkeys?

MonkeySeaMonkey Do
Originally uploaded by erueti_welly.
You know, I'm 30 yrs old now, it's my birthday today and I'm still crazy about the fuckin' Sea Monkeys. Not those bullshit saving - up - al l- my - pocketmoney - for fucken' brineshrimp wft is this shit Sea Monkeys??!
No. Of course I mean Real Sea Monkeys.
I don't how many hours I must have spent staring dreamily into that perfect Underworld comicbook Utopia while pretending to eat those delicious cream filled Twinkie bars gernerally found on the opposite page mmmm... I've never actually tasted a Twinkie but I always dreamed they tasted as good as the drawings.
Are you feelin' me Dogg?
Try telling me as a child you never even just once in your imagining took the plunge into their watery Kingdom.
Well did you? I did. And all my friends both male and female did. And for some reason generations of children that have now grown into fully functioning adults in society would have drowned themselves in a bucket if you told them the Sea Monkey King had a present for them in it.
Sadly some of them are still in that bucket looking for the Sea Monkey King and Queen.
Some have just given up altogether while others prefer to take their chances believing in the existence Smurf Gold.
Yes. It's a crying shame the excitement their magical underwater realm promised to bring didn't last half as long as the disappointment felt once the spell had and lifted and drifted away.
Not unlike the singing of the Sirens. The call of the Sea Monkeys pulls all unwary innocents willingly down to the depths of their glittery castle only to leave them trapped alone in the cold shadowy sea bottom floor, unprepared without an air supply.
Why say all this then? Why stir up the murky past now?
Why I am I all dark on those lovable Sea Monkeys?
Do you think I think the Sea Monkeys owe us all an explanation for all that bullshit?
Perhaps should the Sea Monkeys be held accountable for their involvement in this slippery hoax? Not to mention their Nazi connection.
Of course not! We're adults now and none of us sensible responsible types believe in that kind of crap anymore! But. If anyone knows of anyone still left out there chasing SeaMonkeys dreams. Drop them this blog Id love to hear from them. And remind them they would be wise to bring their own Scuba gear (Right Glenn?)

Fuck those celebrity SeaMonkeys!

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By Erueti Brown with 2 comments

19 March 2006

Scam Baiting and Scam Boatin Saga Part. 1

Most of us by now are familar with the many evil and annoying 419 Nigerian money scams bombarding inboxes around the world and wisely take the necessary precautions to avoid any contact with these types of criminals.
However, some of you may not be aware of an internet sport/hobby growing in popularity called Scam Baiting. Like all sports it has its own rules and code of ethics, and comes with inherent dangers attached. Like a hobby, it involves the investment of time, practice and problem solving. It's unlike mosts sports and hobbies in that it's free to participate in and doesn't require anything more than a creative mind.
I have decided to post some my own adventures and dabbles, novice as I am, knowing that for some it is more than a growing internet fad/sport/hobby. For some it has become an artform in its own right.

For me, my only goals are simple and plain:
1. To waste as much of the scammers time as possible.
2. To frustrate, anger and confuse said scammer.
3. To partake in generous portions of laughter at scammer's expense.

So with that in mind let's begin with the 1st email I received.

From: "nana boatin To: nana_boatin1@hotmail.com Subject: VERY URGENT Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2006 11:27:06 +0000
From: The Manager,Brokerage and InvestmentsBanc Guarantee LtdAccra, Ghana.

Dear Partner,
Please pardon me if you are offended upon receiving this proposal sincewe have no formal contact. is my name and I am the manager, Brokerage and Investments Department of the Banc Guarantee Ltd A Stock Broking Company .I write to solicit your kind assistance in a fund transfer deal of US$ 3,950.000.00. This fund is the excess of the profit made by this Department duringthe year 2004. As the manager, I have already submitted an approved End ofthe Year report for the year 2004 to my Head Office and they will neverknow of this Excess. As an officer of this firm, I cannot be directly connected to this fund thus I am impelled to request for your assistance to receive this money intoyour bank account. I intend to part with 30% of this fund to you while 70%shall be for me.
All I need from you is to stand claim as the original depositor of this fund. The process is very simple. If you accept this offer, I will appreciateyour timely response. In your response please include your FULL CONTACT DETAILS such asNAME, PHYSCIAL, ADDRESS, AGE, SEX, OCCUPATION, PHONE, FAX, EMAILWith these details I will submit to the bank in custody of the fund as the depositor and beneficiary of the fund once I do this they will issue you with the deposit document technically making you the OWNER of the fund and with this document you will order for the transfer of the fund to your designated account
With Kind regards,

Mr. Nana Boatin

Hmm? I don’t know about you but I’m left feeling disappointed by the slack effort put forth by this/these individual(s). I was hoping my 1st 419 letter would look more believable than that.
I hoped someone in this crimainal sydicate would atleast spend some checking spelling and grammar before the email is sent to at least try to look and sound Legit.
Mr. Nana Boatin’s or who ever you really are I hope like me, this is also your 1st attempt to scam someone because you really need to step your game up fella. 2/10 points for this email.

Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2006 00:46:49 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti _welly" Subject: Re: VERY URGENT
To: Nana_boatin
Hi Baby. You sound hot. Wanna cyber? Whats your ASL?? Any chance of a picture?

Sure, I realise this is a cheap start but still a start no less. For anyone familiar with yahoo messenger or internet chatting at all for that matter I hope will find this amusing.
But will nana_boatin?
I wait for a reply from Nana but nothing. Apparently our manager of Brokerage and Investment is strictly above board. It's all about the business deal and not the busines of a possible cyber hookup with a possible future client. I guess I could wait for a
couple of days before I reply to give Nana a bit of time to forget my last transgression. This time I wanted to sound interested and naive to the 419 scam artist game hoping to reel Nana in with a fresh opportunity to scam someone hapless imbecile.

Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2006 02:32:25 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti_welly" Subject: Re: VERY URGENT
To: nana_boatin
Hello Nana. Thankyou very much for you email. Is this true?

Will Nana bite this time and come out to play?

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2006 11:32:39 -0800 (PST) From: "nana_boatin boatin Subject: Yes To: "erueti brown"
Dear partner yes very true . all you ahev to do is send me your conatct details as i have requested in my initial mail and I will ghuiode you step by step until the fund hits your account. I await your details.

Success! Nana has taken the bait and replied with an absolutely wonderful gem of spelling, punctuation and grammar. Fantastic! 4/10 (special points awarded for "I will ghuiode you...")
Remember, I am trying to waste as much of Nana's time as possible. I want to frustrate him throughly by giving him everything but his requests for details. I figure as long as I have his attention there will hopefully be one complete idiot out there left spared.
I'm pretty certain that English isn't his Nana's first language. So of course I'll have to Fuck with him. Maybe I should subject him to countless long winded emails filled with the rantings of a well meaning, overly familiar simpleton? Will Nana understand any of it?
Or will it go right over his head?

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 14:53:58 -0800 (PST) From: "erueti brown"
Subject: Re: Yes To: "nana_boatin boatin"
Hello again nana. I have been looking on the internet for your Organisation and cannot seem to find any information. Is this because of a miscommunication? Im not very good with computers and this is all pretty new to me. I'm only wondering because I noticed you forgot to tell me your name in the first email you sent me and maybe this is a similar mistake. How are you? I would like to know your name to get more comfortable in our relationship. You know there are alot of bad people out there trying to take advantage of others so I would like to know abit about you to see if you are indeed a good person with a good heart. I also have a good heart and look forward to doing good work with you. Cant wait to hear from you.
God Bless you. xxx

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this email for the first half to be honest. The second half flowed out easier but I feel the email as a whole still reflected the mindset of an overly trusting simpleton. What will Nana think? Do you like what you see so far Nana?

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:03:49 -0800 (PST) From: "nana_boatin boatin"
Subject: More about me To: "erueti brown"
Dear partner,
Thanks for your mail, Well My full name is Nana Samson Boatin Like I said in my earlier mail
I am working with a brokerage company and I am married with kids.
I am 49 years old and am looking forward to round out this transaction with you I will send to you a copy of my passport and I will please like you to do same, with all the details that I requested of you so that we can go on with this transaction. I thank you very much and may God bless you too.

Regards Samson

What a heart warming friendly email Samson. His English shows a remarkable improvement from his eariler efforts. I'm begining to ask myself if I am dealing with the same person everytime or perhaps an entire cottage industry of Samsons'. Keep up the good work Partner! 6/10 for this email.

That concludes todays Adventure. Be on the lookout after my birthday. I'll be posting "Scam Boatin Saga" part 2 which promises to be full to the brim with more exciting stuff from Samson Nana Boatin.


By Erueti Brown with No comments

Eru's LifeCache

Hello and Welcome to Eru's LifeCache.
This is my 1st attempt to start caching my life here on the Internet.
It's also my 1st blog, my 1st post and for someone out there hopefully my 1st reader!
Im not 100% sure where to start so I guess I should start with my goals right now for this blog.
  1. That it doesn't smoke pole. (Unless it's real tasty pole)
  2. That I eventually gain some readership other than myself, my Girlfriend and my Mother.
  3. That I have something interesting to talk about
    next time I'm at an Ooh-Im-Soo-Cool-And-Radical-
    Like-Ohwow-So-Totally-Radical Party.
  4. That I get invited to some of these Ooh-Im-Soo-Cool-And-Radical-
    Like-Ohwow-So-Totally-Radical Parties.
  5. That is doesn't smoke anything other than the
    tastiest tasty pole.

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By Erueti Brown with No comments