29 April 2006

Do a Windmill, 360 Windmill.

Here's a little diddy that will only appeal to a very small clique and I thought now was as good a time as any to dust it off. In short it's a pretty low quality (slightly better than 'oil panic') 15 second mpeg, shot entirely in night vision with a half megapixel camera in Foxton. It's my cousin Hayden 'Hutchy-Chuckupski' Turoa after his obligatory 21st 'yardie' a while back. I'm sure you can gather then what is it of and/or whether you really need to see it. However if you're a T-boy and weren't around the side of the Wharekai at Paranui Marae to witness the event, then this is for you and I've got a few more I can sort you out with.

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By Erueti Brown with 1 comment

19 April 2006

Behold & Come Hither Flock For I am Your Shepherd.

One of these pictures is false but make no mistake. I am now a fully ordained minister of the Universal Life Church (ULC) with the Authority to absolve you of your sins. So here Sinner, while they're going have a blessing on the house.

I'm not 100% certain whether I can practice as a Reverend in New Zealand yet, but if your willing to pay the expenses for me to fly and stay in the U.S. then I'm your man of the cloth baby!
From marriages, baptisms, exorcism and emergency body disposal (that'll costa ya) I'll hook you and yours up from here to Eternity.
In fact, on U.S. soil I can perform any and all duties and services a person of the clergy can provide (and many I'm sure they can't) With the exception of one.
Which make's sense. I don't think it's much to sacrifice for the sake of my new faith and besides, I'm not one of those priests whining about needing to hold a baby's dick.
So the next time your spiritual foundations are shaking. Remember E for Eucharist and think of me, Rev. "middle guy" Eru Brown - Your one stop shop for access to Everything Everlasting!
You can contact me through my forwarding address rev.eru.brown@godlikebuthumble.com

Go forth in peace and take another blessing with ya f--ken punk.

* If you too feel a calling to become ordained, find absolution, become holier than thou and wave it everyone's face, your salvation is at hand here. And like all good things created and available in this abundant universe by God, a higher power or flying spaghetti Monster- it's free (And you won't have to wait around for 7 days either because it's instant.)

- Amen.


By Erueti Brown with 2 comments

14 April 2006

The Great Smurfspiracy.

"La Laa LaLa La Laa, La LaLa La Laaa...".

Small; blue, dopey white hat and to multiplied by 99?
Everyone remembers this 1980's cult phenomenon, and I'll wage that 98% of the any children living near a petrol station or grocery store at that time had a row of the little blue fella's on proud display in their bedroom or swapped them at school.
Do you remember how a new Smurf smelt? Intoxicating wasn't it? Kinda like an eraser too.
Did you ever use a Smurf foot, hat, nose or tail in the attempt to try rub something out. Did you chew on your Smurfs or we're you one of those cruel kid's that like melting them?
Good time's right? Smurfy times.

There are things you might not know about The Smurfs. Some frightening stuff indeed.
But first Let's start with some basic's.
  • The first appearance of a Smurf was in Pierre (Peyo) Culliford's comic story "Johan et Pirlouit" on the 23 of October 1958.
  • The Smurfs is 'Les Schtromphs' in French.
  • Strumpf means sock. A possible reference to the sock-like hat Smurfs wear.
  • After Peyo's death there were several albums published without his supervision including
    "Les Schtroumpfs noirs" - The Dark Smurfs - Which caused controversy because of it's implied racism.
  • Smurfette was originally a flawed tom boy like creation made from clay by Gargamel and it was Papa Smurf who made her beautiful after several days of 'plastic smurfery'.
  • In 2005, Unicef as part of their United Nations Children's Fund campaign, broadcasted a chilling graphic 25 second episode of the Smurfs, in which the Smurf Village is annihilated by warplanes. You can see 15 seconds of the Unicef Smurf Commercial over at Google Video.
Okay, so is that it? End of Story? Unfortunately not.

During my research for a previous post (80'sCache), I stumbled over many claims and citings of a hard hitting truth about these peaceful blue forest dwelling imps. Faced with too much evidence to wave off as mere nonsense, I can say my eye's have finally been opened to the Truth. The Smurfs are Red Commie Bastards.

Here are some examples plucked from Dave Morgan's revealing site "Smurf's Communist Leanings". I strongly recommend to anyone interested in this subject matter to visit Dave's site and read through his main archives.
  • The Smurfs shared everything. The food in the Smurf village was stored away in those mushrooms the minute it was harvested and then equally distributed to all the Smurfs throughout the year. No one "farmer Smurf" sold his crop to a "consumer Smurf," or saw his labor exploited by another. It was understood that the crop was for the entire Smurf population, not for the sale or profit of one Smurf alone.
  • There were those jobs each Smurf held. There was Handy Smurf, and Painter Smurf, and Brainy Smurf, etc... Each Smurf had his own specific job and was not allowed to try his hand at any other Smurf's assigned task. There actually was an episode where each Smurf tried to do another one's job, and failed. The moral of the story was apparently "Stick to what you do Best" or to put it another way, stick to what the society has chosen for you, or maybe just "You'll get what you get and like it!" Handy Smurf was always building. Painter Smurf was always painting. Everyone accepted what they were and didn't ask questions.
  • Papa Smurf wore a red cap. All the Smurfs were the same color and sang the same song everywhere they went - stressing their Smurfy unity.
  • If you remember, the only thing that Gargamel wanted the Smurfs for was for his own profit. In the first four or five seasons, Gargamel's master plan was to catch the Smurfs, boil them, and turn them into gold. For some reason, in the later years when the show was dying, they started saying that he wanted to eat the poor blue creatures, but for the most part he wanted to turn them into gold. He didn't care about the Smurfs themselves, their culture, or their well-being. All he cared about was getting gold. His only interest in how to get rich, and nothing, nothing would get in his way. Therefore Gargamel was a capitalist ...
Now of course this is just scratching the surface. But we are through the looking glass now people. The Great Smurfspirocy encompasses so much more than communism alone and while it's not likely to land you any points with the tassels, it's still well worth a Smurfy investigation.

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By Erueti Brown with No comments

12 April 2006

What Set You From?


By Erueti Brown with No comments

10 April 2006


When People rewind and go all 80's these day's, it's generally not without references to DuranDuran, Wham or Fido Dido and padded between kitsch memories of Aha's "Take on me" "Hunting High and Low" videos or Flock of SeaGull's hairdos.
While I remember all these very well, I was an 80's child so therefore I could be found afterschool (and especially early on Saturday morning's) absorbed in my cartoons while no doubt simutaneously absorbing dangerous levels of radiation emitted from the cathode-ray tube of our television.

I watched a lot of screen related media during my emphemeral 80's childhood, so it's only natural that when I think back to the eighties, I don't think of crappy plastic keyboard tie's, peddle pushers with fluro pink and green leg warmers and shitty transparent FM radio bags.
I think of crappy tape loaded Atari ST games (Bruce Lee/BountyBob) sickly green Green screen monitors, the awesome ZX Spectrum keyboard and shitty 80's cartoons.
Since this is my LifeCache I'll start by re-caching all those 80's show's I can remember and keep the list open to add any I don't. Hopefully this will also kickstart a few dormant neuron's in any other 80's children out there back into life. Maybe we can work together like Voltron and fill in some of the missing piece's of our collective archive. After all, this was the 80's not the 60's we're trying to remember and we're greedy LCD kid's, not unwanted LSD love children.
Some of these show's I haven't thought about since the Garbage Pail Kid's however, so forgive me if my memory doesn't serve me so well. I love you Internet.

Now there's a top 5 of classic 80's cartoon show's apparently. And yeah sure, we love them.
But let's attempt to delve a little deeper for this list of the past, without (if possible), being overly passe. Let's see the mighty five anyway.

5. The Smurf's.
4. Voltron.
3. Scooby-Doo.
2. He-Man.
1. Transformers.

With that out of the way then. Let's begin.
  • BananaMan. Remember him?
    "This is 29, Acacia Road. And this is Eric, the schoolboy who leads an exciting double life. For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation occurs. Eric is Bananaman. Ever alert for the call to action...
    Here we have Eric, your average run of the mill pathetically weak schoolboy. Even though he is a pathetic puny , he has at least got a single brain-cell. But when Eric eats a banana, he trades whatever brains he has for pure muscle and becomes Bananaman!".

  • Battle Beast's.
    Water Beat's Fire - Wood Beat's Water - Fire Beat's Wood! Awesome twisted commercial.
    These guy's were really scizzors, paper rock in 2" molded plastic. Most people don't realise they were actually a spin off from "The Transformers" and we're originally called "Beastformers". Before the fire/water/wood thing, those rub symbols on their chest actually told you whether they were AutoBot's or Decepticon's. True story.

  • Dungeon's and Dragon's.
    Six kids, whilst on a theme park roller-coaster named Dungeons Dragons, go through a portal and get teleported to another dimension, a magical and mysterious place known as the Realm. The kids were befriended by a dwarfish being known as DungeonMaster, who gave each kid a unique magical item. The show ran for two whole seasons but then got
    cancelled in the middle of the third for 2 reasons:
    1. Because some parent's thought it was Satanic.
    2. Some D&D roleplaying kid's killed themselves for real when their characters died and freaked everyone out.
    So they never actually made it home! A final episode, which concluded everything, was written, but never made. That is until now.

  • GummiBear's.
    Long ago, there was a thriving civilization of small humanoid bears called Gummi Bears. Possessing powerful magic and advanced technology, this race coexisted with humans until the growing rivalry forced the Gummis to flee across the sea, leaving only a small caretaker colony to prepare for a possible return. However, generations passed and the colony forgot their purpose even as human knowledge of the race faded into mere legend. All that changes when the colony meets a boy with a Gummi Bear medallion which unlocks the Great Book of Gummi which reveals lost knowledge of their past. Now the colony has dedicated themselves to the new goal to rediscover their heritage with the help of a few trusted humans while preventing new enemies like Duke Igthorn from exploiting that heritage to their own ends and who can forget the gummi berry juice!
    Gummi Bear's Bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure that's beyond compare. They are the Gummi Bear's!

  • M.A.S.K
    While investigating the mysterious death of his beloved wife, multi-millionaire Matt Trakker uncovers an international criminal organization known as V.E.N.O.M.(Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem) Matt gathers a group of friends who, like himself, possess extraordinary talents and creates M.A.S.K.(Mobile Armoured Strike Kommand) Their objective; to destroy V.E.N.O.M. and its mastermind - Miles Mayhem.
Some other's I haven't complied completely yet.
  • Monchichi's.
  • PacMan.
  • Sport Billy from planet Olympus with his "Omni sack"
  • Snorks.
  • Teddy Ruckspin.
  • TerraHawk's "Zaal-daa" and those round and square robot's playing noughts and crosses.
    (okay before you say it. I know it's puppet's not cartoon)
  • The Mysterious Cities Of Gold.
  • The Shirt Tail's.
  • Thunder Cat's-" ThunderCats...ThunderCat's...ThunderCat's HO!"
  • The Centurion's-"Power Extreme!"
  • The Mighty Orbot's "Orbot's Unite!"
  • Wuzzles, Rhinokey (Rhino/Monkey), Bumblelion (bumblebee + lion)
So that's all for the 80'sCache for now. It's obviously a work in progress that I'll keep updating.
Any input is of course appreciated. If you too have anything stirring in the cerebellum or reptilian brain, remember just drop a comment and I'll thank you for the head's up.
"AutoBot's, Transform and Roll out!"


By Erueti Brown with 4 comments

07 April 2006

[Eru]dite Lexicon.

A major tool for expressing our humanity it seems lies in our access to language.
Words, ideas and meanings adapt and evolve over time and give rise to culture which in turn yield subcultures.
Language is dynamic, evolving, non linear and a mutant rat bastard.
It's in pursuit of trying to write creatively while feeling trapped within a limited vocabulary-set that has started me on a fascinating journey in search of new buzz word's, acronym's, cipher and colloquialism's.
The experience of attepting to embrace this constantly streaming flux of Interpersonal Communicati is frankly overwhelming and comparable to drinking directly from a firehose.
Equal part's of obsession and addiction have rapidly turned my healthy lexicuriousity into jealously guarded, Gollum-esque word hording. Therefore, I have decided to add a new section to the LifeCache, dedicated purely to the spreading of these diction's and encouraging their daily usage where appropriate.

Today's verbalisms are extracted from the nouveau bible of hipster parlance and 'must have' Uber item, "The Hipster Handbook" by cultural reporter Robert Lanham.
  • bronson - beer
    "I drank a sixer of bronsons last night while watching the game."
    Origin: Watching Charles Bronson movies while drinking beer is deck. The term spawned from this ritual.
  • bust a moby - to dance
    "Let's go to the Tunnel and bust a moby."
    "Did you see her moves at the party last night? She really knows how to bust a moby."
  • chipper - a woman who's easy
    "She's a real chipper and will sleep with anyone after one bronson."
  • clothesline - the gossip that is on the scene
    sentence: "Yo, I heard on the clothesline that she is sleeping with Billy. She is such a chipper."
  • cronkite - boy
    sentence: "Have you seen Anne's new cronkite? She met him at the cafe and he is such a frado."
  • deck - a key word for most Hipsters, similar in meaning to the antiquated fresh. To be deck is to be up on the latest trends, cutting edge, and/or hip.
    sentence: "That tassel we met at the gallery opening sure looked deck in her cowboy boots."
    " Have you checked out the new Jonathan Lethem book? It's deck."
A Frado
a frado
  • fin - the opposite of deck, similar to outdated terms like "wack" and "lame." Something that is fin is bad or undesirable.
    sentence: "How can you like that Vin Diesel movie? Every film he's ever starred in has been fin."
    "My date with Larry was so fin. He took me to Applebee's and ordered cheese fries as an appetizer."
  • frado - an ugly guy who thinks he's good-looking
    sentence: "Bill thinks all the girls love him, but they all know he's a frado."
  • the frigidaire - the cold shoulder
    sentence: "I don't know what her problem is, but she gives me the frigidaire every time I see her."
  • jerry - a stoner or hippie
    sentence: My pits smell ishtar. I feel like a total jerry.
  • juicer - a ladies' man. An individual who has undeniable sex appeal.
    sentence: "I wish he would ask me out, he's such a juicer."
  • jug - a 40 ounce bottle of domestic beer.
    sentence: "Tassels respect me. I can drink a whole jug and still bust a mean moby."
  • kale - money
    sentence: "Yo Kim, can you slide me some kale? I'm still waiting for my mom to send rent."
  • midtown - uncultured or unhip
    sentence: "He's never heard of Spike Jonze. He's so midtown."
  • piece - cell phone
    sentence: "John is such a nerd. He doesn't even have a piece."
    "I must have been on the subway, my piece didn't ring."
  • shitter - someone who constantly looks like he/she is taking a shit.
    sentence: "Dude, Jake is such a shitter."
  • tassel - girl
    sentence: "Jim is definitely a frado, but somehow he gets a new tassel every night."
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By Erueti Brown with 2 comments

05 April 2006

LinkCache dumping grounds.

floating turd.1
Originally uploaded by erueti_welly.
Alrighty, it's been a great week for links and therefore the LinkCache Dumping Ground has gathered a delightful mix you're sure to enjoy.

But 1st let's talk.

I'm the 1st to admit that I have no HTML skill's what-so-ever and shamefully you won't (at least for now) see any respect or consideration shown for design or web 2.0 compliance in Eru's LifeCache. How ever, I've recently discovered my blog looks pretty schonky when viewed through IE (Internet Explorer) and figure the only thing I can do right now is to implore any IE users out there to switch to Firefox. I've updated and placed a GetFireFox button over in the sidebar.

I've posted it before, but it's worth mentioning again that any Firefox user's out there should seriously consider enrichening their web experience with 'stumble upon'. (also updated and in the side bar). It's my favourite extention to date and it's a wonderful community to be part of. Another great extention is Kaboodle, which I describe as a cross between del.icio.us and stumble upon. Kaboodle is a great way to collect, compare, share and discover things you find anywhere on the web.
Things that you are looking for, things that you wish for, things that you have or things that you just find interesting. Do yourself a favour and check them out (and find me).

So come join me in a wee stroll through this week's LinkCache Dumping Ground.

Everyone feels better after a descent dump. Hopefully that should keep you all amused for now.

Watch the Sky's!


By Erueti Brown with 2 comments


Look I don't know about you guys. But I figure it would be more likely for me to stumble upon a subterranean entrance into the hollow earth and secretly breed with the giant worm Queen of the mole people than to have a real chance of getting a gmail account anytime soon. It was totally surprising then that today after weeks completely expelling all feasible and utterly humiliating avenues that one just happened to fall into my lap. Huge shoutouts to Laura Gage for hooking me any lucky readers of the lifecache up because I'm in a happy mood and I'd like to give something back.

So if you've been scouring the earth for an invite your search is over!
Just drop your email in the comment box and I'll set you up!

By Erueti Brown with No comments

03 April 2006

Pimp My Culture.

Might as well get used to it folks because is Gold is the new black. Pink is the new brown. And everything must be lowered, dipped in platinum, rolled in Diamonds and spinning on polished counter clockwise custom chrome spinning/floating/picture displying LED 40 inch rims. In this 'Pimp my X' culture nothing is left un-tricked-out.
Not your browser, not your name and certainly not your teeth.
Welcome to your Life pimped out.
Now gimme my mother f#@ken money!
Don't get me wrong on this one. I love hiphop. KRS1, Snoop, B.E.P. (before elephunk and before that skank f*#ked it all up), A Tribe Called Quest and The J5 are all in my favourite playlists of stolen music. But when I heard a 50+yr old 'Grey-Lo' claiming to be down with the Bling Bling, I realised something. Pimped out is the new Sold out. Only dripping in diamonds. Why do we all wanna be Pimp Mac'daddy's? That's the Gizoogle ma' Nizzle.


By Erueti Brown with No comments